Just some random late night thoughts

I don't have a theme, idea or occasion. I'm alone, it's late. The two older kids are asleep.Bobby is working all night. Berkeley hasn't woke up for her last feeding for the day yet, so I cant settle until she does.My mind is whirling with all kinds of stuff but there is nothing in particular. I wonder what it's all about. I worry too much. I need to pray more. Why can't I remember to pray without ceasing instead  I worry and worry some more. It's hard being a mother to three kids in totally different spots in their lives. I worry that they lack. Attention, or one on one time. It's hard to be a wife with a baby who constantly needs me. I worry that my husband lacks the love and attention he deserves. He always comes last. I worry about school, and schedules, and meals, and naps, and playtime. I worry about money, and work, and other people. Most of all, I worry that I'm not fulfilling all that God has for me. Is my life according to his will? Obviously the worry part of my life is not. That is sin. Which I try hard to overcome but sometimes in the late night it comes anyway. But my life in general. Do I seek him enough? Could he use me more than I make myself available? I'm no pro at parenting, marriage or really any other thing. I seek his spirit daily to struggle through the demands. That's all I really have. Thank goodness for his grace. That the supply is never-ending. And he has blessed my life so much. Happiness comes in the form of kids rolling in the green grass with the sun shining. and sweet smiles in the morning when Berkeley turns her head and realizes I'm above her. These are blessings from God so obvious sometimes it takes my breath away. I pray for the simple things to fulfill me. For the longing to be happy and content. And God grants me that. He gives me exactly what I need to get through each day happy and content while still longing for his love.And longing for a home somewhere else. A longing for him and for something I can never quite put my finger on, although I know it's heaven. I long for heaven. For a home where I know  one of my beautiful babies is waiting, and one where my other babies can go, and I will never worry again about fulfilling their needs. Which is not really up to me in the end anyway. Only God can fulfill their needs completely. It's just up to me to show them what the longing is all about. To point them in the direction they will hopefully choose.Each day gets us a little closer there. And each day presents a new struggle to keep the relationship alive. The Lord of Heaven is my desire. I wish to be his bride. I pray to always be found ready and looking and watching. May my life reflect this. May each moment and each worry be turned to praise, and realization that this is not home. This is not what I'm after. Eternity will be so beautiful. Jesus really did pay it all. All we need is faith. He will supply the rest. I turn to him, now, laying it down at his cross. He will take care of me, and my little family. Praise him. For his love, mercy, and most of all his understanding. That sometimes worry happens. And it's forgiven. and taken care of. and tomorrow is a new day. A new day to praise him. and serve him. and to be the best we can be until he comes for us.and my little angel has opened her eyes to let me know that late night blogging /venting is over! perfect timing. goodnight ;)